Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Grateful Loser
This is to be expected, perhaps, but I did not expect it. As my life moves through a period of difficulty and sadness and transition, people have been reaching out to me - some to offer their support; others to try to make sure I'm o.k. and in my right mind; and others just to let me know they are there, thinking of me.
It all means a great deal to me, not only because at a time like this I need support, but also because there have been times in the past where I have been in situations just as sad and difficult, and save for the usual suspects (my nearest and dearest), no one else reached out. During those times (and I'm thinking of two specific instances in the last six years), perhaps the only good thing that came of it was that I learned who my real friends were, and I was able to end relationships that I was better off without. But in the midst of each situation, it was horrible to feel so alone and so judged, like a pariah. Those people (and some of them read this site and so yes, I am talking about you), are people I hope to never have to deal with ever again.
So having been there, having been so painfully ignored, having had things said behind my back that of course made their way back to me, I can fully appreciate this flood of reaching out. It was in no way expected but has helped in so, so many ways. Your mere presence - and you know who you are - has meant so very much to me, more than I could ever fully express or repay. I know how awkward a situation like this - you don't know what to say, if you should say anything at all - but being here, let me tell you - you should say something, even if it is just acknowledging the awkwardness and letting the person know you're thinking of them. Ignoring the elephant in the room does nothing to help a person who's feeling like shit. Sometimes, it makes things worse.
This situation has led to some awkward and embarrassing moments for me, wherein I try to answer questions about how I feel and how I'm doing without a) getting too personal and being unfair towards certain people and b) sounding like the biggest loser ever. The problem is, while it's easy to avoid "a," there is no denying "b."
It's o.k. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting you to tell me I'm wrong. Right now, I am a loser. What else can I be? When you look at the situation for what it is, there is little else to conclude about me. Of course, I don't tell anyone I'm a loser; I instead try to explain what is going on in my head, the feelings I have about myself and my future and the way I think others see me and how effed up it all makes me feel. It is only later, when I replay conversations in my head, that I realize how awful I must sound. If you've communicated with me in any way since, say, late April, let me take this opportunity to apologize, because I can only imagine just how I must sound: pathetic, slightly off kilter, a little dramatic, a bit much like I've read one teen novel too many, rounded off with a nice dose of pessimism. Wow. You're all troopers for sitting through that and then not writing me off completely (well, almost all of you, since one or two have run for the hills and I don't expect to ever hear from them again).
The thing is, when I'm honest about how I feel, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to reassure me that all those things are not true - that I am interesting and good and pretty and funny and smart and UGH. I want to die at that point, because the whole purpose of my sharing my feelings is just that, to share them. And that's it. I'm not fishing for compliments. I don't want my girlfriends or male friends to tell me I'm the coolest chick this side of Tulsa. I just want to be honest and I want to hear myself say it out loud because at my core I know it's all stupid crap. In fact, it's not so much that I feel criticized by and repulsive to others, it's my frustration and anger at myself for giving it a second and third and hundredth thought, for believing it, for letting my self-esteem and sense of self get so shaken and pooped on. The amount of anger I feel towards myself for this weird, warped thing I'm going through is immense. I have reached that point where I no longer want to speak openly because I can't stand myself anymore.
I know I will eventually get past all of it - back to my normal self, as I keep saying. But that's not where I'm at right now. And honestly, while I know I'll get over all this and will soon enough feel even sillier than I already do for devoting so much energy to this, I really don't know what the future holds. And there are moments when I think about the possibility (because anything is possible, right?) that some of my fears will turn out to be true - and the sadness and frustration become almost too much to bear.
So for all this - to those of you who have extended your arms and offered your ears, who have shared your thoughts or have made yourselves known and simply stood by so that I can account for you as a friend - I offer my deepest gratitude and hope to one day be able to repay you your kindness and compassion
It all means a great deal to me, not only because at a time like this I need support, but also because there have been times in the past where I have been in situations just as sad and difficult, and save for the usual suspects (my nearest and dearest), no one else reached out. During those times (and I'm thinking of two specific instances in the last six years), perhaps the only good thing that came of it was that I learned who my real friends were, and I was able to end relationships that I was better off without. But in the midst of each situation, it was horrible to feel so alone and so judged, like a pariah. Those people (and some of them read this site and so yes, I am talking about you), are people I hope to never have to deal with ever again.
So having been there, having been so painfully ignored, having had things said behind my back that of course made their way back to me, I can fully appreciate this flood of reaching out. It was in no way expected but has helped in so, so many ways. Your mere presence - and you know who you are - has meant so very much to me, more than I could ever fully express or repay. I know how awkward a situation like this - you don't know what to say, if you should say anything at all - but being here, let me tell you - you should say something, even if it is just acknowledging the awkwardness and letting the person know you're thinking of them. Ignoring the elephant in the room does nothing to help a person who's feeling like shit. Sometimes, it makes things worse.
This situation has led to some awkward and embarrassing moments for me, wherein I try to answer questions about how I feel and how I'm doing without a) getting too personal and being unfair towards certain people and b) sounding like the biggest loser ever. The problem is, while it's easy to avoid "a," there is no denying "b."
It's o.k. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting you to tell me I'm wrong. Right now, I am a loser. What else can I be? When you look at the situation for what it is, there is little else to conclude about me. Of course, I don't tell anyone I'm a loser; I instead try to explain what is going on in my head, the feelings I have about myself and my future and the way I think others see me and how effed up it all makes me feel. It is only later, when I replay conversations in my head, that I realize how awful I must sound. If you've communicated with me in any way since, say, late April, let me take this opportunity to apologize, because I can only imagine just how I must sound: pathetic, slightly off kilter, a little dramatic, a bit much like I've read one teen novel too many, rounded off with a nice dose of pessimism. Wow. You're all troopers for sitting through that and then not writing me off completely (well, almost all of you, since one or two have run for the hills and I don't expect to ever hear from them again).
The thing is, when I'm honest about how I feel, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to reassure me that all those things are not true - that I am interesting and good and pretty and funny and smart and UGH. I want to die at that point, because the whole purpose of my sharing my feelings is just that, to share them. And that's it. I'm not fishing for compliments. I don't want my girlfriends or male friends to tell me I'm the coolest chick this side of Tulsa. I just want to be honest and I want to hear myself say it out loud because at my core I know it's all stupid crap. In fact, it's not so much that I feel criticized by and repulsive to others, it's my frustration and anger at myself for giving it a second and third and hundredth thought, for believing it, for letting my self-esteem and sense of self get so shaken and pooped on. The amount of anger I feel towards myself for this weird, warped thing I'm going through is immense. I have reached that point where I no longer want to speak openly because I can't stand myself anymore.
I know I will eventually get past all of it - back to my normal self, as I keep saying. But that's not where I'm at right now. And honestly, while I know I'll get over all this and will soon enough feel even sillier than I already do for devoting so much energy to this, I really don't know what the future holds. And there are moments when I think about the possibility (because anything is possible, right?) that some of my fears will turn out to be true - and the sadness and frustration become almost too much to bear.
So for all this - to those of you who have extended your arms and offered your ears, who have shared your thoughts or have made yourselves known and simply stood by so that I can account for you as a friend - I offer my deepest gratitude and hope to one day be able to repay you your kindness and compassion
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