Thursday, March 3, 2011
Holding Back, Pushing Away
I build walls. No matter what I say when I talk about myself to others, when I try to paint myself in a favorable light, the truth is that I build walls around myself to protect any and all emotions. Not to be melodramatic about it, but I learned early in life (learned hard and often) that those I trusted were sure to devastate me. I learned that to show any emotion that was too close to my heart was a sign of weakness that would eventually be used against me. With rare exception, this has been a solid truth in my life. Maybe it's not so much that to trust is to be devastated, but rather, that to show that trust, to make obvious my vulnerability, is to guarantee that I will be shattered. As a child, I pitied myself for it and would dream of a different life: different parents, siblings and relatives, and later, different boyfriends. I relied so much on my books and my imagination because they were, emotionally speaking, the safest places I knew. When adolescence hit, I turned to writing (or the words just began to spill out) as my self-pity turned to anger. As an adult, I have simply accepted this as the way that I am: paranoid that private moments of trust will turn to public betrayals and that those who know my secrets will spill them for sport; but understanding, too, that I must rise above those fears and persist in trusting and not having to be on guard all the time - and trying, really trying. I am, generally speaking, on guard, tightly wound and always needing to be strong and in control to hide the fact that inside, I am a sensitive, vulnerable, sappy mess. It is this thing about my life and the way it's played out, this thing about me that has played such a central role in making me what I am today that figured prominently in my decision to choose a man as the man I'll spend my life with. Because no matter how hard it is for me to show my vulnerability, I know that with him I can and will not be shattered for it. That's not to say that it'll be easy for me or that it wont cause problems between us; just that he will be like no one else and be worth my efforts to trust and be vulnerable. When I found out I was pregnant, one of my earliest questions was will I build a wall to block this baby out? Will I put my automatic guard up and shut her out before she can even get in? Because I knew that in becoming a mother, I would know the greatest devastation of all. But as my belly grew and my unknown child became my sole reason for being, I knew without doubt that there would be no walls. For once I would welcome another into my life and into my heart openly and completely. Not knowing how to do such a thing, I trusted (as I did so, so many things those life-altering 40 weeks) that it would all just be o.k. That it would come to me and I would recognize it and not shut it out. Marley was born, and although it took me a bit for it to hit me, I felt it: I did not want to shut her out. I didn't. I didn't want to protect myself; I didn't want any more walls. So I took what was for me a giant leap into an abyss of vulnerability and "weakness". And it's been so easy. She is so easy to let in. It's forever changed me, and I'd like to think it's made me a better, freer person. Which is why I feel so worried and so close to that all-to-familiar devastated to find myself, in specific moments here and there, pushing my daughter away. That wall of mine, it's like with Marley it now exists where before it didn't; and while it may not be made of brick like it is with others, it's made of some retractable material that can zip up and down depending on the situation and how much I need to protect myself. I am undoubtedly doing it. Something happens, and it's like I can physically feel my heart squeezing; I shut down and find myself wondering how to act and be so that I don't feel so hurt or rejected or misunderstood. It is the same as it ever was. Except that this is my daughter, and I can't do this. I can't let this happen. I can't give in to my darker, negative tendencies. I don't know why this is happening or how to stop. It happens when I feel like Marley is manipulating me, and I instantly feel guilty because I just don't know how true it is that a three-year-old can be manipulative; yet I feel manipulated. Or it happens when she displays her temper and is hurtful, and I know without doubt that a three-year-old can indeed be hurtful, even though it is not with the malice and intent an adult employs. It makes no sense to me, why this is happening so early on, or with a baby. My baby. I don't think I ever expected that I would be able to not hold back forever, but I figured that by the time she was less a pure innocent and more a fallible human just like us all, I'd be used to it and could keep it up without much struggle. Is it that my level of impatience and the way I easily become frustrated are too overwhelming and require more than mindful efforts and therapy? I don't know. Right now I just feel so very aware of all this and so troubled by it.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I haven't seen this in a while...
Our emotional state of choice is Ecstasy. Our nourishment of choice is Love. Our addiction of choice is technology.
Our religion of choice is music. Our currency of choice is knowledge. Our politics of choice is none.
Our society of choice is Utopian though we know it will never be. You may hate us. You may dismiss us. You may misunderstand us. You may be unaware of our existence.
We can only hope you do not care to judge us, because we would never judge you. We are not criminals. We are not disillusioned. We are not drug addicts. We are not naive children...
We are one massive, global, tribal village that transcends man-made law, physical geography, and time itself.
We are The Massive. One Massive.
We were first drawn by the sound. From far away, the thunderous, muffled, echoing beat was comparable to a mother's heart soothing a child in her womb of concrete, steel, and electrical wiring.
We were drawn back into this womb, and there, in the heat, dampness, and darkness of it,
We came to accept that we are all equal. Not only to the darkness, and to ourselves, but to the very music slamming into us and passing through our souls: we are all equal.
And somewhere around 35 Hz we could feel the hand of God at our backs, pushing us forward, pushing us to push ourselves to strengthen our minds, our bodies, and our spirits,
Pushing us to turn to the person beside us to join hands and uplift them by sharing the uncontrollable joy we felt from creating this magical bubble that can, for one evening, protect us from the horrors, atrocities, and pollution of the outside world. It is in that very instant, with these initial realizations that each of us was truly born.
We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you've abandoned and left for naught, and we bring life to them for one night.
Strong, throbbing, vibrant life in it's purest, most intense, most hedonistic form.
In these makeshift spaces, we seek to shed ourselves of the burden of uncertainty for a future you have been unable to stabilize and secure for us.
We seek to relinquish our inhibitions, and free ourselves from the shackle's and restraints you've put on us for your own peace of mind.
We seek to re-write the programming that you have tried to indoctrinate us with since the moment we were born.
Programming that tells us to hate, that tells us to judge, that tells us to stuff ourselves into the nearest and most convenient pigeon hole possible. Programming that even tells us to climb ladders for you, jump through hoops, and run through mazes and on hamster wheels.
Programming that tells us to eat from the shiny silver spoon you are trying to feed us with, instead of nourish ourselves with our own capable hands.
Programming that tells us to close our minds, instead of open them.
Until the sun rises to burn our eyes by revealing the dis-utopian reality of a world you've created for us, we dance fiercely with our brothers and sisters in celebration of our life, of our culture, and of the values we believe in:
Peace, Love, Freedom, Tolerance, Unity, Harmony,
Expression, Responsibility and Respect.
Our enemy of choice is ignorance. Our weapon of choice is information. Our crime of choice is breaking and challenging whatever laws you feel you need to put in place to stop us from celebrating our existence.
But know that while you may shut down any given party, on any given night, in any given city, in any given country or continent on this beautiful planet, you can never shut down the entire party.
You don't have access to that switch, no matter what you may think. The music will never stop. The heartbeat will never fade. The party will never end.
I am a raver, and this is my manifesto.
Our religion of choice is music. Our currency of choice is knowledge. Our politics of choice is none.
Our society of choice is Utopian though we know it will never be. You may hate us. You may dismiss us. You may misunderstand us. You may be unaware of our existence.
We can only hope you do not care to judge us, because we would never judge you. We are not criminals. We are not disillusioned. We are not drug addicts. We are not naive children...
We are one massive, global, tribal village that transcends man-made law, physical geography, and time itself.
We are The Massive. One Massive.
We were first drawn by the sound. From far away, the thunderous, muffled, echoing beat was comparable to a mother's heart soothing a child in her womb of concrete, steel, and electrical wiring.
We were drawn back into this womb, and there, in the heat, dampness, and darkness of it,
We came to accept that we are all equal. Not only to the darkness, and to ourselves, but to the very music slamming into us and passing through our souls: we are all equal.
And somewhere around 35 Hz we could feel the hand of God at our backs, pushing us forward, pushing us to push ourselves to strengthen our minds, our bodies, and our spirits,
Pushing us to turn to the person beside us to join hands and uplift them by sharing the uncontrollable joy we felt from creating this magical bubble that can, for one evening, protect us from the horrors, atrocities, and pollution of the outside world. It is in that very instant, with these initial realizations that each of us was truly born.
We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you've abandoned and left for naught, and we bring life to them for one night.
Strong, throbbing, vibrant life in it's purest, most intense, most hedonistic form.
In these makeshift spaces, we seek to shed ourselves of the burden of uncertainty for a future you have been unable to stabilize and secure for us.
We seek to relinquish our inhibitions, and free ourselves from the shackle's and restraints you've put on us for your own peace of mind.
We seek to re-write the programming that you have tried to indoctrinate us with since the moment we were born.
Programming that tells us to hate, that tells us to judge, that tells us to stuff ourselves into the nearest and most convenient pigeon hole possible. Programming that even tells us to climb ladders for you, jump through hoops, and run through mazes and on hamster wheels.
Programming that tells us to eat from the shiny silver spoon you are trying to feed us with, instead of nourish ourselves with our own capable hands.
Programming that tells us to close our minds, instead of open them.
Until the sun rises to burn our eyes by revealing the dis-utopian reality of a world you've created for us, we dance fiercely with our brothers and sisters in celebration of our life, of our culture, and of the values we believe in:
Peace, Love, Freedom, Tolerance, Unity, Harmony,
Expression, Responsibility and Respect.
Our enemy of choice is ignorance. Our weapon of choice is information. Our crime of choice is breaking and challenging whatever laws you feel you need to put in place to stop us from celebrating our existence.
But know that while you may shut down any given party, on any given night, in any given city, in any given country or continent on this beautiful planet, you can never shut down the entire party.
You don't have access to that switch, no matter what you may think. The music will never stop. The heartbeat will never fade. The party will never end.
I am a raver, and this is my manifesto.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Grateful Loser
This is to be expected, perhaps, but I did not expect it. As my life moves through a period of difficulty and sadness and transition, people have been reaching out to me - some to offer their support; others to try to make sure I'm o.k. and in my right mind; and others just to let me know they are there, thinking of me.
It all means a great deal to me, not only because at a time like this I need support, but also because there have been times in the past where I have been in situations just as sad and difficult, and save for the usual suspects (my nearest and dearest), no one else reached out. During those times (and I'm thinking of two specific instances in the last six years), perhaps the only good thing that came of it was that I learned who my real friends were, and I was able to end relationships that I was better off without. But in the midst of each situation, it was horrible to feel so alone and so judged, like a pariah. Those people (and some of them read this site and so yes, I am talking about you), are people I hope to never have to deal with ever again.
So having been there, having been so painfully ignored, having had things said behind my back that of course made their way back to me, I can fully appreciate this flood of reaching out. It was in no way expected but has helped in so, so many ways. Your mere presence - and you know who you are - has meant so very much to me, more than I could ever fully express or repay. I know how awkward a situation like this - you don't know what to say, if you should say anything at all - but being here, let me tell you - you should say something, even if it is just acknowledging the awkwardness and letting the person know you're thinking of them. Ignoring the elephant in the room does nothing to help a person who's feeling like shit. Sometimes, it makes things worse.
This situation has led to some awkward and embarrassing moments for me, wherein I try to answer questions about how I feel and how I'm doing without a) getting too personal and being unfair towards certain people and b) sounding like the biggest loser ever. The problem is, while it's easy to avoid "a," there is no denying "b."
It's o.k. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting you to tell me I'm wrong. Right now, I am a loser. What else can I be? When you look at the situation for what it is, there is little else to conclude about me. Of course, I don't tell anyone I'm a loser; I instead try to explain what is going on in my head, the feelings I have about myself and my future and the way I think others see me and how effed up it all makes me feel. It is only later, when I replay conversations in my head, that I realize how awful I must sound. If you've communicated with me in any way since, say, late April, let me take this opportunity to apologize, because I can only imagine just how I must sound: pathetic, slightly off kilter, a little dramatic, a bit much like I've read one teen novel too many, rounded off with a nice dose of pessimism. Wow. You're all troopers for sitting through that and then not writing me off completely (well, almost all of you, since one or two have run for the hills and I don't expect to ever hear from them again).
The thing is, when I'm honest about how I feel, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to reassure me that all those things are not true - that I am interesting and good and pretty and funny and smart and UGH. I want to die at that point, because the whole purpose of my sharing my feelings is just that, to share them. And that's it. I'm not fishing for compliments. I don't want my girlfriends or male friends to tell me I'm the coolest chick this side of Tulsa. I just want to be honest and I want to hear myself say it out loud because at my core I know it's all stupid crap. In fact, it's not so much that I feel criticized by and repulsive to others, it's my frustration and anger at myself for giving it a second and third and hundredth thought, for believing it, for letting my self-esteem and sense of self get so shaken and pooped on. The amount of anger I feel towards myself for this weird, warped thing I'm going through is immense. I have reached that point where I no longer want to speak openly because I can't stand myself anymore.
I know I will eventually get past all of it - back to my normal self, as I keep saying. But that's not where I'm at right now. And honestly, while I know I'll get over all this and will soon enough feel even sillier than I already do for devoting so much energy to this, I really don't know what the future holds. And there are moments when I think about the possibility (because anything is possible, right?) that some of my fears will turn out to be true - and the sadness and frustration become almost too much to bear.
So for all this - to those of you who have extended your arms and offered your ears, who have shared your thoughts or have made yourselves known and simply stood by so that I can account for you as a friend - I offer my deepest gratitude and hope to one day be able to repay you your kindness and compassion
It all means a great deal to me, not only because at a time like this I need support, but also because there have been times in the past where I have been in situations just as sad and difficult, and save for the usual suspects (my nearest and dearest), no one else reached out. During those times (and I'm thinking of two specific instances in the last six years), perhaps the only good thing that came of it was that I learned who my real friends were, and I was able to end relationships that I was better off without. But in the midst of each situation, it was horrible to feel so alone and so judged, like a pariah. Those people (and some of them read this site and so yes, I am talking about you), are people I hope to never have to deal with ever again.
So having been there, having been so painfully ignored, having had things said behind my back that of course made their way back to me, I can fully appreciate this flood of reaching out. It was in no way expected but has helped in so, so many ways. Your mere presence - and you know who you are - has meant so very much to me, more than I could ever fully express or repay. I know how awkward a situation like this - you don't know what to say, if you should say anything at all - but being here, let me tell you - you should say something, even if it is just acknowledging the awkwardness and letting the person know you're thinking of them. Ignoring the elephant in the room does nothing to help a person who's feeling like shit. Sometimes, it makes things worse.
This situation has led to some awkward and embarrassing moments for me, wherein I try to answer questions about how I feel and how I'm doing without a) getting too personal and being unfair towards certain people and b) sounding like the biggest loser ever. The problem is, while it's easy to avoid "a," there is no denying "b."
It's o.k. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting you to tell me I'm wrong. Right now, I am a loser. What else can I be? When you look at the situation for what it is, there is little else to conclude about me. Of course, I don't tell anyone I'm a loser; I instead try to explain what is going on in my head, the feelings I have about myself and my future and the way I think others see me and how effed up it all makes me feel. It is only later, when I replay conversations in my head, that I realize how awful I must sound. If you've communicated with me in any way since, say, late April, let me take this opportunity to apologize, because I can only imagine just how I must sound: pathetic, slightly off kilter, a little dramatic, a bit much like I've read one teen novel too many, rounded off with a nice dose of pessimism. Wow. You're all troopers for sitting through that and then not writing me off completely (well, almost all of you, since one or two have run for the hills and I don't expect to ever hear from them again).
The thing is, when I'm honest about how I feel, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to reassure me that all those things are not true - that I am interesting and good and pretty and funny and smart and UGH. I want to die at that point, because the whole purpose of my sharing my feelings is just that, to share them. And that's it. I'm not fishing for compliments. I don't want my girlfriends or male friends to tell me I'm the coolest chick this side of Tulsa. I just want to be honest and I want to hear myself say it out loud because at my core I know it's all stupid crap. In fact, it's not so much that I feel criticized by and repulsive to others, it's my frustration and anger at myself for giving it a second and third and hundredth thought, for believing it, for letting my self-esteem and sense of self get so shaken and pooped on. The amount of anger I feel towards myself for this weird, warped thing I'm going through is immense. I have reached that point where I no longer want to speak openly because I can't stand myself anymore.
I know I will eventually get past all of it - back to my normal self, as I keep saying. But that's not where I'm at right now. And honestly, while I know I'll get over all this and will soon enough feel even sillier than I already do for devoting so much energy to this, I really don't know what the future holds. And there are moments when I think about the possibility (because anything is possible, right?) that some of my fears will turn out to be true - and the sadness and frustration become almost too much to bear.
So for all this - to those of you who have extended your arms and offered your ears, who have shared your thoughts or have made yourselves known and simply stood by so that I can account for you as a friend - I offer my deepest gratitude and hope to one day be able to repay you your kindness and compassion
Monday, January 12, 2009
OK, right now I'm going to sound like a little high school girl but whatever, I don't care.
I have been alone for months wanting a boyfriend and all that jazz, basically just sick of being alone or whatever.
All of a sudden they think they came all just come at once...(no pun intended) and what am i to do??? 6 of them just think it was the right time to move??
but then of course this is the high school bull shit i was talking about...only two of them are guys that i would really per sue.
both of them are really great guys, but only one of them is going to really take the time to spend time with me, and that's really what I'm looking for right now. I hate how relationships are always about sex and what not. as fun as it is, i want more out of a relationship. I am so sick of being alone!!!!
and on top of that...the child support case is coming up...freaking out about that as well...I guess that's the one thing I should just go with the flow and stop worrying about it, not much good can come out of that...ya know??
Also it's getting closer for me to move, i want out of here so much!!!
I hate living here, another thing I get to wait for!! yepy!!
I want a home not some ghetto ass apartment where i think every night a bullet is going to come flying in one of the windows or something...god really??
I'm not really sure why we are still here, but every place i try to move they keep dickin me around, we don't belong here...we are not like these people
that's why i hate people coming to my house because i think, they will judge me for being here, and its happened before. My FRIENDS?? yea, well that's still yet to be seen, ha ha i hope some day i can trust people again...keeping my guards up doesn't help the fact that I'm sick of being alone
ANyWaYS GoOD NiGhT,
MEGAN
I have been alone for months wanting a boyfriend and all that jazz, basically just sick of being alone or whatever.
All of a sudden they think they came all just come at once...(no pun intended) and what am i to do??? 6 of them just think it was the right time to move??
but then of course this is the high school bull shit i was talking about...only two of them are guys that i would really per sue.
both of them are really great guys, but only one of them is going to really take the time to spend time with me, and that's really what I'm looking for right now. I hate how relationships are always about sex and what not. as fun as it is, i want more out of a relationship. I am so sick of being alone!!!!
and on top of that...the child support case is coming up...freaking out about that as well...I guess that's the one thing I should just go with the flow and stop worrying about it, not much good can come out of that...ya know??
Also it's getting closer for me to move, i want out of here so much!!!
I hate living here, another thing I get to wait for!! yepy!!
I want a home not some ghetto ass apartment where i think every night a bullet is going to come flying in one of the windows or something...god really??
I'm not really sure why we are still here, but every place i try to move they keep dickin me around, we don't belong here...we are not like these people
that's why i hate people coming to my house because i think, they will judge me for being here, and its happened before. My FRIENDS?? yea, well that's still yet to be seen, ha ha i hope some day i can trust people again...keeping my guards up doesn't help the fact that I'm sick of being alone
ANyWaYS GoOD NiGhT,
MEGAN
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I want to be with you
I sit here in the night
Staring into the heavens above.
Wondering if Im lucky enough
To be given your love.
Even though I met you Just a few days before.
I have learned so much of who you are
And thirst to learn even more.
I want to share my world with you,
All the smiles and all the tears.
I want to learn to trust again;
Something I havent done in years.
You are very special to me,
You have kindled something new.
I want to feel loved in my life,
I want to be with you.
A new year A new start At life
So, this is me. the beginning of a new blog, a new year and hopefully a new me! This summer i hope(will) start school again at TCC . I have allot of plans for myself, lots of hard work, but I'm sure i can push through it. I could stop smoking too, you never know as i sit here and smoke...any who. Marley is happy. I'm working on my own depression as we speak or not speak whatever. I as most people wish that i could take a gander into the future, and see what god has in store for me and my child. I wounder allot about where we will be in a few years, what I will have made out of our lives. I want so much out of life, I'm still just confused as how to go about getting what I want.I hope to fill this blog with many blessings this year.
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